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Talking to Children about Adoption This article was published by Chicago Area Families for Adoption in 2007. Author: Tobi Ehrenpreis, LCSW, MPH
It's important to talk with your child about the way your family was created. Though many adoptive parents worry about how to share adoption information, it's really no more difficult than any other aspect of parenting. Do it with love and understanding. Talking about adoption with an infant or very young child is easy. The more difficult questions emerge during middle and late childhood. This article addresses the timing and reasons for talking with your child about adoption, the ways to help kids adjust, and specific techniques you may use during different stages of the child's development. Basic Guiding Principles Talk with your child about adoption early and often. Use the word “adoption” lovingly when you and your child are feeling particularly close. For example, when you tuck your child into bed at night, you might express to your child your happiness about having adopted her. This way, the word becomes associated with warm, positive feelings. Be completely honest when sharing information with your child. From the very beginning, adoptive parents should give their child accurate information even though it may be incomplete. All information given should be age appropriate so that the child can understand it. As the child develops, you can build on the information already provided. Finally, be sure to use positive adoption language so that the child learns terminology that affirms her life circumstances. Why it's important to talk about adoption A child has a right to know the truth about where and how they came to be. Talking about adoption is an opportunity to assure your child that he is loved and wanted. You are conveying to your child that adoption is neither shameful, nor something to be kept secret. It is simply a fact of her life. The child comes to realize that she has two families whether or not the birthparents are around. By engaging your child in conversations about adoption, you show him that you are here for him, and you give him an outlet to share his feelings with you. Most kids feel some ambivalence about adoption; talking about it allows the child to discuss those feelings with the people he loves most. Finally, talking about adoption helps to normalize the adoptive family's experience. Techniques for discussing Adoption It is most important that parents demonstrate to children their acceptance and comfort with adoption. This gives the child the freedom to talk about adoption freely as the feelings arise. Many parents find that using props makes the process easier. Some techniques that may be helpful include:
Talking to the younger child (3-5 years) This is the time to lay a foundation of information which can be built on in the coming months and years. Always stay relaxed and factual when talking to a small child about adoption. There may be times when the child rejects your explanation. It is not necessary to argue with the child. It is okay to leave the topic for the moment and come back to the discussion on a later date. Being concrete and using simple language is imperative with the younger child. Some examples of simple explanations include:
The Middle Years (ages 6 to 12) During the middle years, there is a leap in cognitive development as the child's thinking becomes more complex. Children begin to understand abstract concepts like conception and reproduction. Feelings of loss and sadness about adoption often surface at this time. The parent's willingness to listen and accept the child's feelings is critical. Ask open ended questions so that the child will share his thoughts with you, and be sure to emphasize the permanency of adoption. Being a good listener is the most important way to help your child. As much as you may want, you can't prevent the child from feeling sad sometimes, and can't totally insulate him from the pain of his early life circumstances. This may be a good time for your child to connect with other adopted persons through support groups or personal connections. Another developmental shift that occurs during this period is the child's ability to understand social conditions such as poverty, homelessness or teen pregnancy. This may help the child to understand the reasons a woman may not be able to parent her child. At the same time, the child begins to experience social influences outside the home and family. As the child spends more time away from home, the influence of teachers and peers grows. This may be the first time the child will experience negative societal views of adoption. Your child may face questions from peers or issues related to school assignments which he must handle on his own. Hopefully, you will have laid the groundwork and given him the confidence he will need to respond in these situations. Ways to help your child express feelings Many children enjoy drawing or art projects which may be used to help them express their feelings. Have your child draw a picture of her birth family or the orphanage, and have her describe the picture to you. Sometimes a child is able to write a letter to her birthmother in order to express her thoughts. Encourage the child to read the letter to you. Even if you are unable to send it to the birthmother, encourage the child to keep the letter(s) in a special birthmom box. For some children, you may want to play detective in order to gather the information they are seeking. Go back to the adoption agency to see if additional information may be available. Role playing is another good method for encouraging children to express their thoughts. All families enjoy certain rituals that get passed down among generations. Create some of your own family rituals that relate to adoption. These rituals provide opportunities to celebrate and discuss adoption. For example, some families celebrate “adoption day” in addition to the child's birthday. Some children write poetry or say a prayer for their birthparents each night or on their birthday or holidays. The Teenage Years The teenage years are a time of turmoil and change. It is the time the young person begins to separate from parents, searching to find his own identity. This process can be especially difficult for adopted teens that lack information about their origins. They may feel that they are missing important information, complicating their ability to separate and differentiate themselves. Nevertheless, adolescence is a time to continue discussions about adoption, helping the adoptee to develop compassion for his birth parents. By late adolescence, you should have shared with your child all of the details about her adoption. Sometimes parents have difficulty sharing the unpleasant circumstances surrounding the adoption. Nevertheless, the child has a right to have all of the information available and now is the time to complete the story. Sometimes it is that last piece of information-- the part the parents were hesitant to share-- that enables the child to finally make sense of her adoption. In Closing All parents want to protect their children from pain and sadness. Indeed, talking about adoption issues may cause the child to experience feelings of sadness and loss. Parents may feel that they are telling the child that their connection to them is tenuous or somehow less valid. In fact, by starting adoption conversations early and giving the child permission to feel the sadness associated with the losses, you are promoting a closeness and connectedness between you. In the end, talking about adoption is a balancing act. You need to find a way to talk about it just enough, but not too much. The secret is finding the right balance of having an open communication with your child, without making adoption the central theme of your family life. |
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